016 | The Duality

Is grief singular or universal?

On my drive to work yesterday I listened to an episode of the Imperfects Podcast about grief. As part of their regular programming, they invite a psychologist named Emily Musgrove onto the show to unpack a particular theme that has come up in a recent interview on the show. This time round, it happened to be grief. A concept that Dr Musgrove raised in the show that jumped out at me was the idea of duality. That grief and grieving are both a universal and singular experience simultaneously.

Duality appears in many places. Whether it’s Christianity (heaven and hell), spirituality (yin and yang), or widespread universal concepts (good and evil). These concepts illustrates the inherent symbiosis in our systems, processes and how we understand the world around us; that one will not survive without the other.

I have found this to be true when traversing the valleys and peaks of grief. There are times when the singularity and individual nature of feelings, reflections and thoughts is undeniable, if not overwhelmingly so. By the very same token, talking to friends and relatives about the grieving process helps to remind me of its universality; that everyone who lives will ultimately experience grief. It is the cost of love (another duality).

Through grieving I have learned that while you can be empathetic, you cannot assume to understand someone else’s experience of loss. Too often in the past, I have tried to frame someone else’s experiences through an event or moment in my own personal history that appears similar. But the ultimate reality is that they can never even be close; our stories and contexts so unique and different that to assume you could have full understanding is to diminish the duality itself. An element of grief will always be endured alone but that doesn’t mean it has to be lonely. What has been missing, in Western culture at least, is an embrace of the universality of many aspects of grief There are places and spaces where this is possible together but they’re often hard to find.

Good Grief is ultimately inspired by The Red Hand Files which is curated by Nick Cave. While Cave doesn’t always deal with grief and loss, it is surely a recurring theme in his writings. In the call and response nature of his mailing list, Cave has acknowledged that the Red Hand Files has created a space where people can “indulge in their grief” in a society that doesn’t always afford them the opportunity. Through his own personal reflections and stories of grief, he allows others the possibility to reframe their own anguish and sorrow. In this way, he is actually challenging a duality – subtly suggesting that while his story is not ours, it is an admission and an openness of his own encounters with loss. A quest to find common ground in its universal nature without subscribing to dogma or certainty.

The stories I have shared through Good Grief are singular; they are essentially my experiences of my journey through an intense grief. But instead of keeping them contained within a private journal I decided to set these stories free. For whatever reason this gifts me the desire to keep writing. To know that one person’s story can resonate with another’s; that the singular can coexist with the universal.

It’s a long way of saying I’m not sure if I believe in the duality of the grieving process. Usually I write to find out what I think or how I feel about something. Sometimes, like right now, I’m left with more questions than answers. That’s ok too.

Good Grief No.16 serves as a subtle reminder that you, dear reader, are encouraged to share your story too. Good Grief has been my story thus far, but it can be yours too if you wish.