19 | The Anniversary

19 Lessons from a year of life

A lot can happen in a year.

In many ways the past year has felt like a decade. At the same time, it feels like only yesterday that I was faced with a new reality. The first year since Dad left us has served as a yardstick; a milestone which I can draw on my survival instincts and crawl towards.

I remember listening to someone once talking about the natural world; of a lifetime spent observing the chaos of life. Their most poignant reflection was the idea that for all the beauty and joy they saw in these natural systems, there was an equal amount of pain and suffering. Yin and yang. Balance. These were concepts that I could understand but found hard to relate to my experience in life. Had I experienced suffering? What would that look like? As it turned out, the lessons were yet to come. Here are but a few:

1) Pain and suffering are not linear. And nor do they occur in isolation. Some of the greatest moments of beauty and joy in my life have occurred during the most difficult period I have ever lived through. Grief strips the bullshit from your life. Loss teaches you to be grateful for all that you have.

2) The human mind is a muscle. It can be trained much like a body but it takes hard work and perseverance. A psychologist is a personal trainer for the mind. You’ll end up sore after the first few sessions but it gets easier over time.

3) 33 was meant to my year (my lucky number was 3). That theory can officially be resigned to the bin forever. In memory of Dave I think I’ll stick with 22 from now on.

4) Creativity and curiosity are both antidotes to depression. Those lessons were learnt through various means including this substack and reinforced here and here.

5) Music can save you in the hardest times of your life.

6) You can’t control the way other people behave, only your reaction to it.

7) Lessons learned by a culture that has survived for 60,000+ years give us an opportunity to better understand ourselves, where we have come from and where we could go. This enduring generosity has allowed me moments of connection with Dad that couldn’t have come any other way.

8) Children are the guiding lights through loss, with special mentions to Elena, Pippa, Dede & Alby.

9) Grief has its lessons. It has taught me how to grapple with the future of our environment which will ultimately be defined by loss.

10) You can learn from the past but it is dangerous to dwell on it.

11) Trauma is complex.

12) The best way to honour a person is to keep them alive through stories.

13) Suicide is much more common that you think. Once you are attuned to its presence it rears its head everywhere - books, films, news, stories from friends and everyday figures of speech. Suicide is caused by depression which is brought on by a range of factors depending on the person involved. While rates of suicide continue to climb, the stigma remains firmly rooted in society. For an illness that thrives on isolation and loneliness, the best way to address its root cause is to remove the stigma. That is a job for everyone to take up.

14) Rituals of remembrance are important. They’re as diverse and unique as the people they commemorate.

15) You don’t always know what’s going on in someone else’s life; beneath that bad mood or moment of rudeness may hide something much deeper.

16) Talking to people who have left us physically is hard and awkward at first but gets easier the more you do it.

17) The cure for anything is salt water; tears, sweat or the sea.

18) People will come out of the woodwork during the hardest moments of your life. They are the ones to hold onto, don’t let them go.

19) The day is darkest before the dawn.